016 Why Some Ppeople Become Attached to Unavailable People.

n this episode, Dr Toni Reilly explores the emotional bruise of Abandonment and why some people become emotionally attached to unavailable people.

Some people do not pull away when relationships begin changing. They try harder. More calls. More messages. More trying to fix things. More trying to stop the relationship from ending. Because abandonment fears being alone.

This episode explores why some people need constant reassurance, struggle when communication changes, stay in unhealthy relationships too long, and keep trying to reconnect after separation. 

Dr Toni explains why emotionally unavailable people often activate abandonment deeply, and why calling someone a narcissist does not suddenly stop loneliness or emotional attachment.

You’ll also learn the difference between abandonment and rejection, and why understanding the bruises changes relationships completely.

Life Map Foundations certification course begins June 22. A journey into understanding your personality, emotional tendencies, relationships, strengths and the blueprint you were born with. 

00:00 Abandonment Triggers

00:07 Spiraling Questions

00:16 Fear of Losing Them

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Transcript

016 Why some people become attached to unavailable people.

[00:00:00] Why some people become attached to unavailable people. Some people don't pull away when relationships start changing. They try harder. More calls, more messages, more trying to fix things, and more trying to get the relationship back to how it was because abandonment fears being alone

 I'm Dr. Toni Reilly. This is the SoulLife Psychology podcast, where [00:00:30] intuition meets logic. Today, I want to talk about abandonment, I'm sure you guessed, and why some people become emotionally attached to people who are hard to reach, inconsistent, or emotionally unavailable. In episode 14, we touched on how emotional bruises affect the way that people experience their relationships, closeness, and emotional security.

Last episode, 15, [00:01:00] the focus was on rejection, which is an internal processor. They have to go and be on their own to process their thoughts and emotions. This episode, we're focusing on abandonment. It affects loneliness, reassurance, connection, and fear of being left on their own, or to do life by themselves.

Abandonment people are external processors. They talk through feelings, either with a friend or maybe the partner. They need [00:01:30] assurance. They are calmer when relationships feel very connected and stable

People with abandonment really struggle when people start acting differently emotionally. They'll often think,

Do they still care about me?

Why are they acting different?

Why haven't they called me back?

I just want things to be back to normal," or,

"I don't wanna lose them."

This is why people with [00:02:00] abandonment struggle with emotionally unavailable people. People with strong rejection would seem unavailable to someone with abandonment. They might even accuse that person of ghosting them or giving them the silent treatment because when someone pulls away, abandonment tries harder to reconnect, to bring them back in.

They call more, message more. They're trying to fix the relationships, and they ask for [00:02:30] reassurance more often. Their behavior is simply trying to stop the relationship from falling apart. So here's what that might look like in real life.

Repeatedly calling or messaging, asking if everything's okay.

"Is everything okay?"

They ask over and over. Becoming emotional when someone becomes cold or distant. They're struggling when communication changes. They're very tuned into changes, [00:03:00] and they're always trying to fix the relationship, and they struggle to accept breakups.

Going back to relationships repeatedly.

Jumping into another relationship quickly because being alone feels unbearable. Abandonment doesn't usually withdraw after emotional hurt. It does the opposite. It keeps trying to reconnect, wanting answers to work things out, or at the very least, understand what happened and know where they stand.

This is why some people [00:03:30] cannot leave things unresolved. They hold onto relationships after they've clearly changed. They tolerate unhealthy behavior longer than is good for them. They become consumed with trying to get back together

And they struggle being alone after a relationship ends. Other people or partner might think

they're so needy,

they're dramatic,

they always need attention,

they can't let [00:04:00] go,

they move too fast. Oh, they're with somebody else already.

But internally, that person is just trying to stop themselves feeling alone

And even further than that, they're trying to prove that they matter. Abandonment can become very intense. Some people get highly emotional. They're reactive, sometimes dramatic, when they feel that someone is slipping away from them. They're not [00:04:30] afraid to make a scene if it means getting reassurance or receiving some attention or getting this connection back.

It's all intertwined

Attention makes them feel like they matter. Let me go a little further with the relational dynamics ... between abandonment and rejection. Someone with abandonment may experience rejection people as emotionally unavailable, as I said, hard to reach, or difficult to communicate with. But rejection [00:05:00] people are withdrawing because they feel hurt, misunderstood, or emotionally they're trying to work out what's happening.

This is why understanding the bruises changes your relationships. Because when both people are reacting from totally different emotional realities, no one's wrong. Calling out someone as a narcissist or being unavailable will not take away the feelings of loneliness, and

[00:05:30] It won't stop the fear of being alone.

Self-awareness changes behavior because that person finally understands why they keep chasing the connection and ending up in similar relationships or with similar partners repeating the same patterns. Why they struggle being alone. It starts to make sense why reassurance feels so important, and why they keep trying to restore relationships even [00:06:00] after, their use-by date is up.

They start to understand why they get emotional when people leave

This is why I developed Life Map. It's so important. Life Map isn't about bruises. It is about understanding who you are and why you're here. Life Map outlines your personality, your nature, your strengths, your emotional tendencies, your relationships, [00:06:30] your life mission.

It's the blueprint that you were born with. People spend so much time trying to fix themselves without first understanding themselves, or they think they're flawed when they're not. Life Map helps people to really recognize who they are clearly and understand why they're here. Life Map Foundations is starting on June 22nd.

I'm taking in new students. [00:07:00] You're all welcome. Your Life Map is one of the most important things to know to understand yourself, understand your partner, your family members, your kids, or even work colleagues. It is the best tool professionally for anyone who works with people and on a personal level for every single one of us

You can check the website, tonireillyinstitute.com, or email me, drtoni@tonireillyinstitute.com. If you're [00:07:30] feeling it, come and learn LifeMap. It's absolutely brilliant

Back to abandonment. Your behavior makes sense once you understand what emotionally affects you, what emotionally affects you most deeply. You might already know what you're scared of, but the trick then is to know why others respond differently. When you understand why there is tension or disconnection with some people, [00:08:00] you also become empowered by knowing if certain relationship dynamics are compatible with you or will always be the cause for feeling unfulfilled or in fear.

Then you can make informed choices about whether you're holding on or letting go.

Let's do a practical takeaway. I want you to ask yourself, when somebody starts pulling away from you, do you let them go, [00:08:30] or do you try harder to hold onto the relationship? When relationships begin changing, do you withdraw?

Or do you keep trying to connect? Understanding your emotional reality changes how you see yourself. Let's look towards next episode. We are exploring why some people become super self-conscious, worrying about how they're perceived by others, [00:09:00] worrying what other people think of them. It's the bruise of humiliation that affects self-expression.

It's around shame and guilt and the fear of being judged. These people change themselves to avoid criticism or anyone disapproving of them, and over time, their people-pleasing changes them so much that they, in some ways, forget who they really are, and they oppress their own freedom to be themselves. It will be a really insightful episode, I promise.[00:09:30] 

If the episode, this one that we just did, raised questions for you, there's a link in the show notes where you can submit questions, share your story. Self-awareness is the ultimate activism. I'll see you in the next episode.